


Strange

by wartransmission



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-25
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2018-01-13 18:23:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1236484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wartransmission/pseuds/wartransmission
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not even that Makoto doesn't like Haru back, because he does. He can't even remember a time that he didn't like Haru.</p><p>It just feels strange to think of Haru liking him enough to want to be with him in a romantic way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strange

"I like you."

 

Makoto looks up and stops playing with the cats on his lap, blinking twice in succession before he regards Haru with an amused and slightly confused smile. "I like Haru too?" There's an odd heat spreading on his cheeks when he says as much. He begins to smooth down the fur of the cats on his lap to prevent them from pawing at his clothes as he tries to search for an answer on Haru's face. He doesn't see a reason for Haru to suddenly confess that sort of thing, and he wonders what brought it up. Did Nagisa say something to him again about being more open with his feelings?

 

Haru frowns, his hand that had been teasing at the kitten before him stilling as he pulls it away. "I like you in a romantic way, Makoto." He raises an eyebrow as if to say, " _You can understand that now, right?_ "

 

"Romantic- but I'm not a girl," Makoto explains with a hesitant smile, the smile faltering once he notices that Haru is still frowning at him. "Haru?"

 

"I'm not blind," Haru deadpans, eliciting a soft laugh from Makoto. He stands up, dusting himself off, before standing in front of Makoto, who looks up at him with confusion and worry written all over his face. Haru clenches his fists by his sides when he realizes that Makoto is making that face because of him. He doesn't like it at all. "You're too big to be mistaken for a girl."

 

"But you just said that you liked me in a romantic way," Makoto whines, annoyed with being teased. He scratches behind the ears of the cats on his lap, trying to keep himself calm as he looks up at Haru.

 

Haru raises an eyebrow, a frown tugging at his lips in annoyance as he steps closer to Makoto. Makoto doesn't move back, although he does tense up a bit. "Because I do. Don't make me say it again."

 

"But Haru," Makoto begins, blinking green eyes up at him in bemusement, "I don't understand where this is coming from. Why...why would you say that you like me like that?"

 

"Stop being annoying," Haru grumbles, feeling dull nails digging into his palm as he narrows his eyes at Makoto. He couldn't be that dense, could he? Or was he trying to play it off as nothing even though he understood? "The only reason I'd say that sort of thing is because I mean it." He looks at Makoto, who looks back at him in silence, and he sighs. To think that he was tense before because he didn't know how Makoto would react; he hadn't thought that Makoto would just be annoying about it. "I like you. Please go out with me," he ends up saying, keeping his head lowered as he bows a bit. It's humiliating and he dislikes it, but if it means that Makoto would get it, then he'd do it. He'd do it three times or more if he had to.

 

"H-Haru, don't do that," Makoto says, worry and embarrassment lacing his tone as he waves both of his hands in front of him. "I get it, so- so raise your head, okay?" He's smiling when Haru straightens up and looks at him, the expression on his face so gentle that Haru can't help from hoping. Even though he's not been one to hope for things like his friends do, he can't help but hope just this once, anyway.

 

"I like Haru too," Makoto says, face a bright pink, and Haru feels his heart beating faster in his chest. Erratic, the sound of drumming in his ears almost deafening as he reads Makoto's lips. He hopes and it feels like free-falling, terrifying and exhilarating, and all at once it stops when he understand Makoto's words.

 

"I'll go out with you."

 

He doesn't blame Makoto for being scared when he feels his legs cease all function beneath him.

 

\---------------

 

Makoto had accepted Haru's feelings when he confessed, saying that he'd go out with him- but now he has to wonder if it's a good idea. They're both boys, and it's not really normal, is it? Sure, Makoto has always liked Haru, has always wanted to stay by his side, but he wonders if their feelings are even the same. He hadn't ever thought to confess that sort of thing to Haru at all, and not once did he think to ask him out. He's satisfied with their relationship and yet Haru wasn't, so Makoto can't help from thinking on just what it was that was missing that made Haru confess in the first place. Was there something that they lacked that Haru wanted?

 

"Ne, Haru," Makoto says while they're walking to school, taking their time with their pace since they're surprisingly early today. "Why did you confess?"

 

Haru stops after a step forward and raises an eyebrow in question at Makoto. Makoto sighs at being given Haru's " _Why are you even asking me that?_ " look. "I meant, what prompted it? I didn't think you'd ever confess like that. To me, especially."

 

Haru stares at him a little more, before sighing and continuing to walk with Makoto by his side. "Rin told me to," he answers.

 

"Eh?!" Makoto sputters, a hand reaching out to clutch onto the cloth covering Haru's elbow as he keeps him from walking on ahead of him. "But why would he tell you to do that?"

 

"He said that I shouldn't wait for someone to get you first," Haru says, tone tinged with annoyance as he stops walking to look back at Makoto. "That I should tell you now before it's too late."

 

"So, Rin knows?" Makoto asks, before biting his lip when Haru glares weakly at him. Obviously, Rin knew. "Sorry. But...did you really want to confess? Isn't it weird, when we're both guys?" Did Rin even know that Haru was going to confess the way he did?

 

"To other people, it is," Haru says as he turns away and starts to walk again. "But I don't think there's anything wrong with it." There's a weight to Haru's words when he says as much, as though there's so much more on his mind than what he's saying, and for the first time, Makoto feels ill. He can't read what Haru's thinking now.

 

He wonders if there has ever been other times that Makoto was wrong about what Haru was thinking. How long ago was it since Haru first realized, and Makoto couldn't read it? Couldn't notice it at all? How much did Makoto not know about Haru?

 

"Makoto?"

 

Makoto blinks, looking up at Haru, who's stopped walking a few steps away from him. "Ah, sorry," Makoto says, smiling sheepishly as he catches up to Haru. "I was just thinking."

 

Haru hums in understanding. Makoto smiles again, thinking that the conversation is over, but Haru says, "Do you think it's weird?"

 

"Ah," Makoto's voice trails away as he looks at Haru in surprise. Does he think it's weird? "A bit, I guess," he confesses, unknowingly raising a hand to scratch at his elbow as he says so. "I didn't think that Haru would confess like that to me at all. But," he adds before the sad look on Haru's face can actually manifest, "I do like you despite all of that. I always have, Haru." He smiles and Haru looks at him, stunned for a moment, before slowly sending a reciprocal smile his way. It's gentle and soft and so rare a vision that Makoto feels himself flush in happiness.

 

For a moment, he forgets to wonder if his feelings and Haru's are the same.

 

\-------

 

A month. It's been a month since Haru confessed and laid his heart out, a month since he first felt the trepidation and fear crawling under his skin and into his bones as he waited for Makoto's response.

 

It's been a month, and nothing has changed. Only the knowledge that they like each other as more than friends is different, while everything else remains the same. They don't kiss, or hold hands, or do things that couples would do. That much, Haru knew, even though he hadn't been as open to romantic relationships as his other friends were. It's childish, he knows, but he can't help from wanting proof that they have something more than what other people have. He wants something, anything, as a reminder that Makoto reciprocates his feelings, that Makoto is _his_ and he won't be taken away by anyone else who likes him.

 

But Makoto won't kiss him. Was it bad that he wanted Makoto to make the first move? Was it bad that he was nervous to initiate anything? Surely, nervousness like that was normal....wasn't it? Makoto was usually the one who did things first, the one who pushed him into action, so it wasn't wrong to have expected him to do the same now, was it?

 

And yet, it's embarrassing to ask him if there's something wrong. Why couldn't he just put it all into words, like Makoto can?

 

"Haru? Are you okay?" Makoto asks, snapping him out of his contemplative state with a worried frown. "You were looking really serious for a moment."

 

"Mm," Haru grunts, turning his gaze away as he continues to dry his hair. He's staying over at Makoto's tonight too, the two of them alone this time since the twins were told by their parents to sleep early for their field trip the next day. They're alone and it would be the perfect time to start something, but Haru can't bring himself to do it. He'd already confessed first; couldn't Makoto do something on his own, this time? Couldn't Makoto do something to prove that he likes him in the same way that he likes Makoto?

 

"You know, Haru," Makoto says, the tone of his voice making it sound like he's trying to tease Haru about something, "if you want to tell me something, I'll listen."

 

Haru doesn't think. He looks at Makoto in a flash of a second, the annoyance at being caught right in his trap only coming to him once he's already looking right at Makoto's smiling face. _He knows, and yet he's making me worry over it like this._

 

"I might guess wrong if you don't say what you want," Makoto says, smiling in amusement when Haru makes a 'tch' sound at him.

 

"You're annoying," Haru grumbles, his eyes narrowing as he regards a laughing Makoto.

 

"Is that what you wanted to say?" Makoto says, the question a pointless one considering how he himself knows the answer to that. Ever since Haru confessed, it's like Makoto took it as free reign to tease him whenever he wants. It's _annoying_ because he isn't used to it, since he was the one who more often than not got to tease Makoto.

 

"Why won't you kiss me?" He asks instead of answering Makoto's question. He's certain that he's blushing- rather, he _would_ have been blushing, had he not seen the surprised look on Makoto's face. Was surprised even the right word? Makoto's green eyes are blinking almost dazedly at him, like he's still processing the question even though it's such a simple one. An obvious one too, seeing as they're lovers.

 

"That's," Makoto says, stuttering as he blinks into full awareness and looks away from him. "That's because," his voice trails away as he gradually looks back at Haru, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "it's weird, isn't it?"

 

There it is again. That word that Haru is slowly starting to hate, even more so when it's coming from Makoto's mouth. _Weird_. Is that all? Is that the reason he won't hold Haru's hand, or kiss him?

 

"But we're together," Haru says, trying to make Makoto see his point as he lowers his towel to his shoulders. He turns until he's fully facing Makoto, which is how he's graced with the sight of Makoto's tense countenance. Haru tries not to grit his teeth. He asks, trying to will away the annoying drumming sound in his ears, "Are you saying you don't want to kiss me?"

 

"N-no, of course not," Makoto says with a nervous laugh as he scratches at his elbow. Haru narrows down his gaze to that little tic. Makoto only ever does that when he's scared or nervous. _But what is there to be nervous about?_ "It's just- we've been together for so long, and it feels a little strange to think of doing those sorts of things with you. I'm not saying I'll never kiss you, Haru. It's just that I don't...feel like it? Or something like that." He looks up at Haru then, a sheepish smile on his face, though that too fades when he finally looks up at Haru. What sort of expression is he making that would make Makoto look concerned like that? "Haru?"

 

"Okay," Haru says, turning away until his face is out of Makoto's sight. He grits his teeth, willing himself to keep from frowning as he starts to dry his hair again.

 

How long would he have to wait before Makoto stopped feeling weird about being with him?

 

\------

 

Makoto kisses Haru three weeks after Haru asked him about it.

 

He had felt guilty. Too guilty to ever forget Haru's words (" _Are you saying you don't want to kiss me?_ "), or his face ( _he had looked stricken, as though Makoto had said something equivalent to an "I hate you"_ ) when Makoto had explained why he didn't ever do it.  It was just a kiss, after all. He could handle that, right? It's still a strange thought, kissing his best friend of ten or more years, but he'd force himself to do it if he had to. It was a small thing to grant Haru, who went through a lot just to confess his feelings to him. He could take this one bit of discomfort; he wasn't even sure that it'd feel as strange as he thought it would be, right?

 

He kisses Haru just before they go to sleep, where there's a chance that Haru will pass it off as a dream because he's already a little out of it- though that was an impossible thing to wish for, wasn't it? Haru's eyes blink open in a matter of seconds, not even giving him a chance to get back on his bed as he remains stuck on the floor beside Haru's futon.

 

"Sorry," he says, lowering his gaze to the floor as he clenches his fists on his shorts. It was a brief kiss, a mere peck, and yet...Makoto didn't feel particularly giddy about it. Rather, it felt strange, as strange as he thought it would be. "I shouldn't have done that."

 

"Don't be stupid," Haru says, to which Makoto snaps his head up so quickly that he almost gets whiplash. The corners of Haru's lips are twitching up into a smile and he's struggling to keep it down; he eventually uses his fingers to press down on his lips to keep them from revealing too much. "We're no different from what we were before if you weren't allowed to do that sort of thing."

 

"But I didn't ask," Makoto says, voice trailing into a whine, until his words get stuck in his throat because Haru leans forward to steal a kiss from him. It's deeper than the one he'd given Haru, and he feels some of the wetness of Haru's lips from where he'd licked on them right against his own dry ones.

 

He feels inexplicably ill just thinking about it.

 

"I'm your lover," Haru says after pulling away, looking embarrassed with his own words as he gets back under the sheet of his futon. He peeks up at Makoto, blue eyes bright, and says, "You don't have to ask for that sort of thing."

 

Makoto can only nod.

 

How could he tell Haru that he didn't like it, when Haru looks so happy?

 

\-----------

 

He doesn't want to kiss Haru again. He really doesn't. But if he stops there, if he never does it again, wouldn't Haru get worried? Wouldn't he get that sad look on his face again, like Makoto rejected him outright? He doesn't want that either. But what could he do? He could tell Haru that he doesn't like it. That's the best choice- and yet it's not, because he's sure, as much as Haru will try to hide it, he'll be sad. He had looked so happy when Makoto kissed him that one time, like he'd been given something he'd wanted as a surprise, and Makoto didn't want to take that away from him.

 

But could he really do all of that for Haru, even when he could feel the guilt clawing at his chest? It wasn't right to force himself to do this either. It wasn't right to pretend that he wanted to do any of this, just because he wants to make Haru happy. What was the point of making him happy when all of the things that Makoto is doing are all born from fake feelings? Wouldn't it mean more if Makoto kissed him because he wanted to? He says that, he says that it's all wrong and unfair- yet he still can't put a stop to it. How? How could he, when he knows how horrible it would be when he finally ends it? He doesn't even want to imagine what Haru would look like if he ever says it. He _can't._

 

"Makoto."

 

"Eh? What?" Makoto asks, snapping out of his daze as he looks up at Haru in surprise. Haru raises a brown in question at him, before gesturing with a head-tilt to the plate sitting before him on the table. "Oh, sorry," he says, smiling sheepishly as he straightens out his chopsticks and begins eating again. "I was just wondering," his voice trails away as he chews on his food. He hesitates from saying anything once he finishes swallowing, though he eventually ends up asking, "Why does Haru like me, anyway?"

 

Haru frowns at the odd question. Makoto tries not to look openly nervous as he fills his mouth with food again, though he ends up looking back at Haru in surprise once he starts to speak. "It's already been four months, and now you ask me that?"

 

"I didn't think of asking before, alright?" Makoto grumbles once he finishes swallowing his food down. "I hadn't thought there would be a reason." Haru had said, after all, that it seemed easiest to end up with him, right? As much as it was only a passing thought, Makoto couldn't help from thinking that it could be the actual reason for it. With that sort of reasoning, Haru would also eventually realize that being with him isn't actually the best decision. Living easily with the person you're closest to isn't at all helpful for either of them, is it?

 

"Of course there are reasons," Haru says, ignoring how Makoto, in his surprise, repeats " _are_?" in bewilderment. "You're just too slow to realize what they are."

 

"Too slow, huh," Makoto mumbles, lowering his gaze to his bowl as he takes in another mouthful of food. Did he really want to hear Haru's reasons for liking him? Wouldn't that only make him feel worse, since it's likely that it'll only prove that Makoto doesn't like him in the same way?

 

"I like you because...you're patient with me," Haru begins. Makoto tenses at the realization that Haru is being open for once, right in that moment where Makoto had hoped he wouldn't say more. "I like you because you persist in doing things that you know are good for me, even though I'm always being difficult about it."

 

"I get it, Haru," Makoto says before Haru can say more, both of his hands hidden under the table as he looks up at Haru with a smile. "I do. I just asked because...because I was curious, is all. But I understand how you feel, so you don't have to say more."

 

Haru gives him an amused look, one saying that, " _It's a good thing that I don't really feel like saying much, then._ " Makoto snickers under his breath at the expression as he continues to eat, although that joy is short-lived once he remembers, unfortunately enough, that he doesn't have the right to laugh when he's half-lying to Haru about liking him.

 

Makoto wonders how much longer it'll be before he grows to like Haru in the way that Haru likes him.

 

(He wonders how much longer it'll be before Haru moves on from having feelings for him.)

 


End file.
